It’s the Small Stuff That Counts

Raising daughters in an uncertain world!

So we live busy lives... the C2’s are 10 and 6.... I swear the 6 year old is a teen already with some comments and gestures... and I guess it begs the question.... how much influence do I still have? Or do we loose it when we set them loose to school with other kids? It may not actually really be the kids; sometimes it's their parents parenting styles or where they set boundaries. One child's acceptable behaviour becomes what the other kids become exposed to... but how does that develop the fundamental messages our kids receive about themselves and how they deserve to be treated from their experiences? If you let it, that thought alone can be scary. Kids are suggestible, they are vulnerable but they are also resilient....So how do we as parents foster that very important resiliency when we send them away from the nest for several hours a day to ”fend” for themselves?

Communication...Redundant right? But wait ....There are both strategies to have the opportunity to talk to our kids and strategies on what to ask. How do I know? I both have kids and have worked with kids who have had sad stories to tell for over a decade.... I’ll be more specific on the capacity in which I do this in due time.

Let me bring it back to my personal level for this.... My eldest is a daddy’s girl... It’s a really great thing, and she has a phenomenal relationship with my husband that is good for both of their souls; and I fully embrace it. As for me? We struggle sometimes. I’m the clock keeper for all things “unfun” like bath, homework and teeth brushing. I’ll own it...kids need order and organization to thrive aswell! But when do we connect?

Dog walking, drives to school (occasionally) , field trips... and ensuring we have dinner together most nights of the week. But the most important thing I can impart is this....

• Don’t assume your kids tell you everything that bothers them even if you ask “what’s wrong?”;

• Sadly all the times we’ve had “bad moments” with our kids... where they perceive themselves as in trouble, not listened to, or misunderstood...may requires us to rebuild “trust stocks” before they tell us the goods; why?

• Because typically anything “bad” our kids want to tell us, is usually actually about someone else's behaviours, but makes our kids uncertain of whether they themselves did something wrong. The guilt complex.

How do we over come this? Make the asking of key questions a daily or multiple times a week phenomenon. I will warn you though... this is a commitment... because... if your kids get used to you asking, and they need to tell you something.... and you forget to keep asking? They wont tell... at least not right away. It's easier to answer a predicted question than initiate a conversation... and chances are your child will wait for it. So what are the questions?

• what was the best part of today?

• what was the worst part of today?

• if you could take something back today... what would it be?

• what made you feel happy today?

• what made you feel sad today?

• what made you mad today?

• Did anything make you feel uncomfortable today?

• what are you grateful for?

How many times have you asked "how was your day?" and you got "fine" as a response? It's because that questions can be answered with a single word, and kids will take it! Make them have to think about how to answer, by replaying their day... they will have to find something to talk about and the results are magic! I have helped my kids talk through a school yard disagreement where we had the opportunity to roll play options on how she could deal with it. Hurt feelings where old friends turned on them to side with another friend. Most of the issues are completely age appropriate, but they likely need you to navigate it with them. But what if it isn't?... This is a parenting strategy where your kids know you will ask these questions, and when you do, it creates an environment where they may share! that's a win. beyond the benefit of being able to potentially intervene on a dangerous or unhealthy situation for your kids, on the daily level, this talk has helped me to really get to know how my daughter perceives her world and how kind her heart is. Gratitude questions help train their brains towards appreciative and positive thought. I love this part!

Try it out. I would love if you would share some of the stories you get. Sometimes they are hilarious and heart warming, and others it was just what you needed to keep them safe!